


Iskallman! to the... Rescue?

by PawPunk



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: BDSM, Crack, Dirty Talk, F/M, Fist Fights, Humiliation, Misunderstandings, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Prompt: Women as "Whores", Swearing, hermit challenges, iskalls heart is in the right place but BOY is he stupid, this is ooc but i dont care, written for the banned together bingo event
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:13:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25422220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PawPunk/pseuds/PawPunk
Summary: ISKALLMAN! the server's hero, swoops to rescue False from Xisuma after he turns evil! Except, oops, turns out nobody was in danger at all.Written for the Banned Together Bingo event. Prompt: Women as "Whores"
Relationships: falsuma
Comments: 8
Kudos: 56
Collections: Banned Together Bingo 2020





	Iskallman! to the... Rescue?

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: read the tags, misogynist slurs as dirty talk, a hyperbolic reference to suicide, non-graphic descriptions of violence

Iskall was, to be absolutely honest, getting a little tired of hermit challenges. Mumbo’s latest dare was relatively tame, and even that was a hassle. It wasn’t enough that he had to prank False, no- he had to prank her right to her face. Really, Mumbo could have easily challenged him to commit seppuku and it would have had the same effect.

To make matters worse, False wasn’t working on the nether hub like she’d told everyone she was, which meant Iskall had just waited for half an hour in the sweltering heat, fighting off ghasts and all sorts of horrible creatures, and hiding from other hermits for NOTHING.

Iskall stumbled out of False’s nether portal, thoroughly frustrated and more than a little sweaty. It was dark out in the overworld, but the warm night air did little to alleviate his discomfort. He wiped his face before starting down the long glass bridge that led to False’s futuristic base. It wasn’t too late to chicken out, right? Mumbo had done it twice- literally, he’d completed two challenges with the help of a chicken. If False wasn’t at her base, Iskall decided, he was giving up. Mumbo could mock him all he wanted, there was only so much trouble he was willing to go to for a stupid dare.

As Iskall approached the gaping doorway, he reached for the dispenser and firework charges in his inventory. To his mixed relief and apprehension, he could hear voices inside. Wait, why wasn’t False asleep? And why was there another person with her? Iskall couldn’t make out what they were saying, but as he tried to listen in on their conversation the unmistakable sound of a slap cut through the air.

“Ah! I’m sorry!” False yelped, and Iskall blinked in shock. It was strange enough for someone to pick a fight with False, but for her to give up before it started? That was unheard of. Forgetting his prank, Iskall leaned his head into the base to listen.

“You’d better be sorry.” It took Iskall a few seconds, but he recognized the second voice as Xisuma’s. But something was off about it- the gentle humility he’d known was gone, replaced with a harsh commandeering edge. “I don’t give a damn how much you want it, I’m not going to let some common whore speak to me without permission.”

“Yessir,” False said, breathless. Was he choking her? Iskall strained, trying to catch a glimpse of the second floor of the base.

“Do you know what happens to whores that don’t obey their betters?” Xisuma growled. “They have to be _forced_ to obey.” Something- or some _one_ \- thudded heavily to the ground. “Now do something useful with your mouth, for once.”

False moaned in pain, and Iskall knew he couldn’t just walk away. He placed his enderchest and put on his Iskallman! mask, steeling himself for the fight to come.

“Maybe I should tie you up outside and let anyone use you,” Xisuma practically purred. “That would teach you to appreciate- oh shit!”

“ISKALLMAN!” Iskall soared up to False and Xisuma’s level, kicking the man hard in the chest as he landed. The admin tumbled backwards over False’s bed, coughing and swearing.

“What the hell, du-“ Iskall cut Xisuma off with a punch to the face.

“How could you?” Iskall yelled, tears springing to his eyes. “We trusted you! False trusted you! And you-“ he cut off, overwhelmed by the horror of what he had witnessed.

Xisuma staggered to his feet, trying to put the bed between himself and Iskall. “Look, dude, I don’t think this is the right time for a prank. Why don’t you go home and forget this ever happened.”

“Like hell I will!” Iskall proclaimed. He lunged at Xisuma, pushing him to the ground. “You’d want that, wouldn’t you? For me to forget you were abusing your admin powers and torturing poor Falsie?” He raised a fist, preparing to give Xisuma another facial scar.

Suddenly, there was a blade pressed to his neck. “You have one minute to explain yourself,” False growled in his ear. She didn’t sound very thankful to be rescued. In fact, she sounded like she’d very much like to decapitate him right there, and was only holding off for honor’s sake.

“Well- um-“ Iskall gulped. “I was coming to your base to prank you- please don’t be mad- and I heard Xisuma saying these awful things to you! I didn’t want you to get hurt because you’re my friend, and I know even if someone you trust is doing a bad thing you have to stop them. Why are you mad at me? Did you want to fight back on your own? It didn’t sound like you were going to.”

The blade at Iskall’s throat lowered, and False released him. He jumped to his feet, skittering away from her. “Do you…” False said, her eyebrows knitted with confusion. “Do you seriously not understand what we were doing?”

“Well, now I’m starting to think I don’t,” Iskall grumbled. He stepped back, looking at the two other hermits, and realized that Xisuma was out of his suit and False was wearing a see-through blouse and short skirt, not her usual rough working clothes. “Maybe you should explain, because this day is just getting weirder and weirder.”

“Oh G-d,” False groaned, her face glowing with a brilliant pink blush. She looked helplessly at Xisuma, who likewise reddened.

“Iskall, we were…” Iskall cocked his head, and Xisuma sighed. “False, um… she likes being treated poorly.”

“Does that mean I can take free terracotta from her shop?” Iskall asked.

“If you want to die,” False snapped.

“I didn’t exactly mean treated poorly,” Xisuma said, his face even redder. “It has to be in a specific way. She asked me to… help her. By being mean to her in the way she likes. I assure you, if I ever went to far she would tell me, and I would stop.”

Iskall nodded wisely. “So, is it like, to make her tougher in PVP fights?”

“Sure, lets go with that,” False said, rolling her eyes. “Goodbye, Iskall.”

“But-“

“Goodbye, Iskall,” she repeated, practically pushing him out of her base. She watched him fly through her nether portal and disappear before breathing a sigh of relief. “Well, that was humiliating, and not in a fun way.”

“At least you didn’t get kicked in the chest,” Xisuma said lightly. He squeezed False’s arm. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m fine. Also yeah, that sounds good.”

“What?”

“You tying me up and letting anyone use me,” False said nonchalantly. “…Maybe when Iskall’s off the server, though.”

* * *

“So, did you complete your challenge?” Mumbo asked.

“I mean… kind of?” Iskall answered. “I didn’t exactly follow through with the prank I planned…”

“So you FAILED?” Mumbo gasped in mock horror.

“Well, not exactly?” Iskall shrugged. “I mean, False and Xisuma thought I was pranking them. Does that count?”

“I suppose could let you off easy this time,” Mumbo said, pressing the button for Iskall. “Wait, False _and_ Xisuma?”

“Yeah, he was helping her train for PVP by calling her a whore.”

Mumbo stumbled, almost falling into the fire in the middle of the hermit challenges area. “He- what?”

“Yeah, that was why they thought I was pranking them. I kind of, uh, kicked Xisuma in the chest?”

“Oh my G-d,” Mumbo muttered, burying his red face in his hands. “Iskall, you can’t be serious.”

“Hey, I didn’t KNOW it was battle training!” Iskall protested. “I thought False was in danger! And I said- well, actually I didn’t say sorry, I should go do that right-“

Mumbo grabbed his arm. “Maybe your should message them instead,” he said frantically.

“But it won’t sound as sincere-“

“Send. Them. A. Message.”

Iskall shrugged and took out his communicator. “Whatever you say, dude,” he shrugged, and Mumbo sighed with relief. For some reason.


End file.
